biggest regret

i should have said what i meant.

but you left, and i was too afraid to come out and tell the truth, and all these excuses turn to dust in my mouth, sour and dry and inadequate, because how can i bridge all these rifts between us when i refuse to believe there is a chasm already?

i should have said what i meant, when she asked me if she looked good in yellow. when i kept my mouth shut about those poisonous rumors, when it hurt and he asked but i brushed it off, when i made her cry and never apologized. when i said goodbye, but all i really wanted to say was i’ll miss you, don’t forget me.

all these apologies, they trip over my tongue in effort to force themselves out, but my sorrys keep getting tangled up with my pride, intertwined with my facade pretending that everything is okay.

i should have said what i meant.

i sit in traffic, staring at the stoplights, and i wonder when i’ll have the courage to apologize, to forgive myself, to set things right.

i stare out the window, trying to muster up the bravery to start over again, because i’ve finally realized that i’ve been building everything on top of a wobbly keystone, threatening to fall down any moment —

my biggest regret was pretending that you were the sun, and i was the moon, because you were everything i wanted but everything i didn’t need.

i should have said what i meant.

"Sometimes I forget to listen. I forget to let a friend be. To tell their whole story and paint their full heart into the air.
I’m too eager to respond with a fix, a solution, a plan. I interrupt the art. I look for a pause to jump in and offer all sorts of articulate banter, when this isn’t what they want. They just want to speak until they’re out of breath, and then meet eyes and feel like they’re okay and understood and not alone. It’s a beautiful thing, and I want to let it happen. I want to let them finish painting in their own words. And then maybe I will understand."

J.S Park (via the-healing-nest)

september eleventh, 2014

(page 254 of 365)

  • happy birthday to tweedledee, my other half!! girl you’re amazing
  • today was a pretty rough day. i was pretty close to having a breakdown in school
  • 5 miles! ~800m warmup, 2 mile strength run, 12x200m workout, 1 mile cool down
  • it was really nice running weather, but it was really cold and i think i’m sick now
  • i went home and napped for maybe half an hour. exhausted
  • finished all my homework before 9pm… for the first time in forever i may actually go to bed before 10 ptl
  • except i have so much other stuff to do
  • i complain too much .___________. sorry for this super bad post
  • edit: omg i forgot the most important part of the day WE GOT A NEW TOILET HALLELUJAH you can come over and it will flush in like 2 seconds and stop swirling in like 5 it’s amazing it’s been like 3 years since i’ve had a toilet that actually works in my house this is great i am so happy

9:48pm

  • i might start posting more infrequently about my day bc pretty much every day is the same. contrary to personal opinion, my life is not very exciting
  • if you would like to comment or complain (or celebrate) please send me a message via text gmail fb or tumblr i am available on all 4 platforms!!!!
  • if you would appreciate one form of communication with me that you do not already have i will happily (for most cases) give it up to you
  • i am taking up the writing challenge with ryan and linda. be prepared ok this week’s prompt is love
  • i may or may not take up the thankful challenge, i shall see
  • i have many bracelet orders i will try my hardest to get most of them out before the end of september
  • tomorrow is the jamboree #1 at royal oak i am excited to not pr but instead to spr (very high chance, as on saturday i ran a 27:06)
  • as many of you know i have like 3491385897451 blogs and i am currently trying to cut down so yeah congratulations to me
  • i’m in a weird mood
  • tryna finish apush and precalc before 10:30 alright good night pals

september fifth, 2014

(page 248 of 365)

uhhh my neighbors are crazy we leave at 6:53… school starts at 7:20… why do you guys need to socialize for 20 minutes when you could be sleeping instead (or eating breakfast???)

oops i made them leave at 6:55 sorry i eat breakfast really slowly

school. it’s only the first week and i’m exhausted even though there’s like no homework at all.

i like my spanish class bc Mrs C but then i don’t really like the people in my class bc they’re all white and popular and not my friend and i feel uncomfortable. apush is okay; we have a really small class and Mr Flessa talks a lot and goes on these huge tangents but he has a really awesome classroom (marvel & hobbit). english — suleyman is intimidating; i think she doesn’t like me but maybe she’s one of those teachers who forgets that she yelled at you. she’s v intimidating. also the class has many white popular & not my friend people. physics i’m p sure i’m the only sophomore; it’s pretty surprising / sad bc we’re doing basic algebra / geometry and people don’t know how to do it… also we have these dsqs (daily science questions) and i know how to do them but somehoW I KEEP GETTING THE WRONG ANSWERS DUE TO SILLY MISTAKES ERUGH. c lunch is ok; it makes the day go by faster! i table hop between two friend groups LOL struggle. precalc is good; i have a fun table (yuki, serena, emily) and we talk a lot oops but Mrs Stefanski is super nice. chem! it’s always freezing in the class and i always fall asleep in his class (idek why… first week) and he’s p nice so i feel bad

xc practice jokes. it was like 100 degrees today too crazy. my pod ran towards the neighborhood and then we started walking and then we “stretched” on someone’s driveway for 20 minutes LOLOL and then met up with two other pods and then walked back to athens. we ran when we got to the fence. striders on the football field; the rookies try so hard like it’s ok you don’t need to sprint like it’s the last 100m of an actual race

the team sat around. i wanted to go in the ice bath but it was full :( ice cup instead i did some physics hw! so easy

team meeting; team dinner at stacey’s house. ahhh so good

card tournament dude it was the best. at first we wanted to play euchre but only 5 people knew how to play and we had one deck (bryan went to ask for another deck but it literally only had cards 2 through 8… so sad) so i tried to teach them pulse. the sophomore guys need to chill also they didn’t learn how even though the rest of us caught on…

played spoons (knives)!!! fun fun. a couple of my cards got bent at one point and i like freaked out but it’s ok i bent it back ummm took a bunch of pictures it was a really nice day today so glad for xc

went home and played piano and went online. organized a bunch of stuff. i should be sleeping rn but i’m considering doing some homework :/

thoughts:

  • it’s really late
  • i keep thinking there’s no xc meet tomorrow; it doesn’t feel like i’m gonna run the infamous kensington hills tomorrow at 11am
  • my pandora radio station has been playing great music A+
  • i want to buy some combat boots bc they’re $25 but i’m really indecisive

student information questionnaires

  1. how am i supposed to tell you my strengths and weaknesses when i grow each year and i’m not even sure who i really am
  2. also tryna muster up enough courage to write “i have an impeccable sense of fashion” for the “what is one interesting fact about you” question
  3. and beyonce for “who is your favorite public figure & why”

HILLSONG CONCERT

SET 1

  1. No Other Name
  2. Mighty to Save
  3. The Stand
  4. Oceans
  5. Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)
  6. Man of Sorrows
  7. This I Believe (The Creed)

SET 2

  1. God is Able
  2. From the Inside Out
  3. Stronger
  4. Forever Reign
  5. Cornerstone
  6. Alive
  7. Wake
  8. Relentless

SERMON

Chris (Kris?) talked about running the great race as Christians. She led into the sermon by talking about how the U.S. women’s 4x100 team should have won the Sydney, Athens, and Beijing Summer Olympics — they were the fastest team on paper. However, because they didn’t pass the baton in time or efficiently, they ended up getting bronze. In the same way, we as Christians have to pass on the baton of faith to the next generation, so they know the name of Jesus.

Chris also talked about how she watched the Olympics from the grand stand, but she told us how there is no grand stand in our race. We as Christians aren’t allowed to sit in the grand stand and watch our brothers and sisters run; we have to run together. It’s not an individual sprint.

REFLECTIONS

image

  • the best first concert i could ever have
  • i’m in shock bc i went to a hillsong concert

august thirtieth, 2014

(page 242 of 365)

woke up at 7:30… crazy this is like cross country. so sad i’m not going to be able to sleep in until like… thanksgiving break

the mother took me to brent’s house for the leadership retreat! we had donuts and fruit and juice for breakfast :D

so the name of the leadership program is called marked. and so we talked about four character traits: love, goodness, wisdom, and freedom

some quick notes:

  • love. God doesn’t love us and we love others; instead, we love others out of the overflow of God’s love
  • goodness. Micah 6:8; focus on the relationship. don’t be so intent on being true or being right; focus on being good instead.
  • wisdom. wisdom is synonymous with honoring God; it comes from a renewed mind, and sometimes the wisest person is the one who admits he/she does not know and seeks help.
  • freedom. one who is free is one who recklessly abandons everything to hold on to the eternal; when we exercise faith, we are free. we are free when we come to God with open hands.

anyway, good discussion! brent would talk and ask us questions; then we split into three groups to further discuss how we would like to see that particular quality manifest in oasis. krystal, kenneth, and newton were in my group!

around like 12 we went to firefighters park to attend the english ministry’s picnic; i met john, a somewhat elderly man who stopped by the picnic bc he was walking his two very adorable dogs. he was p interesting. and he was very easy to talk to :D

i saw teddy and newton playing with scrabble tiles and they were making words so i decided to join them… turns out they were playing bananagrams! omg it’s my new fave game. we played like 10 games. so fun

lunch :D i ate a bratwurst in a hamburger bun nbd

i sat around with hani and jen… tried to do some precalc. and some apush. then i ate some blueberry pie and cheered up

went back to brent’s! PARTY CAR. I AM THE PARTY

Read More

the running analogy

reading the bible is a lot like running.

at first you’re really excited to start, to “get in shape” — but you don’t really follow through, until you get a little push in the right direction. until you actually start.

it gets harder to continue the routine. once you fall out, it is so hard to get back into it; you have to constantly keep yourself motivated. it’s more fun when you do it with someone else, though!

in the beginning, you’re not as good as you are later on — you’re tired and you sometimes wish you could take a break. but you have to make sure you don’t, because the only way to improve is to continue on every day. after a while, you begin to understand the strategies and different methods for the different kinds of running; you begin to enjoy it more.

you cut back on junk food, you sleep more, you try to be more healthy. you’re happier.

your life starts to change.

august twenty-sixth, 2014

(page 238 of 365)

omg i’ve been posting a lot lately… last week of summer is always more busy than the entire three months

list formation bc i’m lazy, sorry

  • workout at raintree. it was horrible. 1 partial lap around the perimeter of raintree park (maybe around 1200m), 4x800, run back to athens as cool down. it was terrible; i didn’t meet any of my goal times (3:50) and it was super hot & humid and i wanted to vomit and i felt heavy and ugheragdkjf;kj legit about to cry
  • too many mosquitoes please i am not your personal blood eatery
  • i took a cold shower. felt so nice. usually i am weak and make the water warmer halfway through, but this time i didn’t bc i was ded x.x
  • went to the library! omg every single time i go there i always check out sequels -______-
  • saw newton!! so exciting. newt is legit my role model, seriously. i wish i could read that many books in like a week
  • went to the pastors’ barbecue at the yee residence! mmmm homemade salsa so good. ahhhhh such good food i just indulged bc y’know workout
  • i just read… so bad LOL we played contact and james’s word was ‘philanthropist’ but he was like “my word is medical” james pls
  • est braided my hair!!! 5 strand!
  • image
  • went home and read split second (sequel to pivot point! go read it)
  • went to xc at 4pm. so hot. we went inside and did stair exercises and intense stretching LOL
  • huge thunderstorm; so glad i made it home before it started pouring ptl. finished split second! ahhhhh so cute
  • ate a small dinner & played piano; rn doing nothing uerugh

august twenty-fifth, 2014

(page 237 of 365)

  • woke up at 7:40 for xc; it was super humid and hot. we went to bloomer and ran about 30; went on a bread run afterward! olivia ytb <3 tytyty for spotting me
  • did some lotf worksheets; almost done ptl
  • jen came over! she helped me bleach my hair <3 thank you so much omg ytb x100
  • played piano
  • the mother took me to sarah’s house! i picked up some string LOL and mardi gras beads for red alert
  • 4pm practice! went to the weight room for the first time. gonna be super sore tomorrow… but maybe not bc i went in the ice bath <3 i love the ice bath
  • ate dinner
  • tonight’s plans were really complicated; i did some psat before betha picked me up to crash ted & jo. ted drove us to 7/11 except the slurpee machine was broken LOL so sad
  • crashed nick’s house AHAHHAA we rang the doorbell and then took selfies when he opened the door
  • crashed shanon’s house but couldn’t stay for very long bc betha had engagements at 9 :(
  • went back to the du residence. betha drove to pick up robby first bc he was closer; we had a good talk. a lot to digest; we always have good talks, and i really really appreciate them. betha ytb
  • robby switched with betha and drove me home… he almost ran a blatant red light omg hyperventilating
  • nothing

i go through severe sibling withdrawal every time i am left behind

august twenty-third, 2014

(page 235 of 365)

today was an okay day. it started out really well! and ended really well! but the middle part wowzers.

anyway, woke up! at 10 betha picked me to go to firefighters park for senior pictures <3 we went to all three bridges, a small field, two benches, the playground, the yellow firetruck, the swing set, and the bathroom. 2 gorgeous 2 handle

umm went home and ate a really extended lunch LOL tried to edit betha’s pictures and the stm video

est picked me up! we picked up krystal too and went to oasis. derped around.. and then we worked on the photo slideshow and the video and worship team practice and yeah chicago stm sharing day whooooo

uh this is the part where things went downhill LOL i was in the av booth and i was trying to get out and i tripped over my laptop cord and it came crashing down and fell to the floor… and then my earphones actually cracked and now they’re broken so i need to get a new one. so sad. it’s like crooked and there’s this crack and the little metal part where you plug it in (idk what it’s called) is bent so sad so sad

also my laptop plug prong thing was bent too. and then my laptop crashed and i almost got a virus but it’s ok (key word is almost) bc i’m p sure i didn’t and it was rly slow and it was rly weird bc like you know those semi-transparent documents with the “$$@$#!@%” symbols after them?! or the .ini documents?! they started showing up… so weird and then like after i restarted it i went online and on every single social media website i was logged out… and it didn’t even remember any of my passwords (gmail, yahoo, facebook, tumblr, goodreads, spotify) so weird ://////////

struggled through worship practice

during set 1, i worked on the video -____- i’m always bad

and then we were uploading both videos (the slideshow and typical day video) to youtube and it literally took like an hour… so we shared instead

set 2! missions team… i’m bad at keyboard and i also forgot to transpose erugh it was rough

the typical day at stm video was still uploading and we tried to move it via usb and then an external drive to the presentation mac but bc apple isn’t compatible with anything the file didn’t work… -____- so we just had to wait for the youtube upload to finish

set 3 was back to the original worship team <3 all was well. God is good.

it finally uploaded… showed it to oasis so ghetto LOL probably judged really hard

it was like 9 so kenneth told us to split into sgs, but only felix and him split (hannah / sarah, amy, newton were absent) and so the rest of us just sorta milled around. my fave rochester people came!! LOLOL jkjk just mel. mel ilu pls visit me

edit: my fave non-oasis rochester people. tedderz and jdu reserve the spot for fave rochester people. shanzzz is up there on the list too!!

i like flitted around and didn’t really talk to anyone :’( omg today i found out that jordan is will’s brother… mindblown

everyone just upped and left <///////3 i didn’t even notice they all just left D: so sad didn’t get to say bye to anyone :’((((((((((((((((

rn i’m at home and i’m editing betha’s senior photos and the sibs are home and i love my fam

um tomorrow i think i’m bleaching my hair so exciting

omg so sorry for this post :( super poor grammar, poor references, poor organization, poor description, poor everything please forgive me