#6; fall

summer always fades, even though i beg it to stay —

autumn leaves fall, they whisper in the wind of

secrets untold, of memories hidden beneath

the facade worn like armor.

this is the antithesis of the wings once promised,

this is the hard cold truth of gravity, of reality —

collateral damage of a war fought in the air, under

a clear blue sky, crisp and clean.

we will die by immolation,

yet rise from the ashes; you say we are phoenixes —

but we are not myths nor legends,

so i say our souls are young, and invincibility was a talent

you never learned because

you were too busy trying to stay afloat to wonder

what was beneath the waters.

fall seven times, get back eight.

the world will laugh, but we will be the true victors crowned with glory.


Over coffee with my mom this morning: “Sometimes we hesitate to invite people into our life because we feel like our space isn’t good enough yet. things are a little messy, or our place settings don’t match, or our situation isn’t quite what we want it to be. don’t let that stop you. invite people in anyway.”

#5; as i was washing the dishes

the sun is setting — a great big ball of fire drowning in the sky,

and somewhere in the world, there is someone saying goodbye, packing up bags, leaving home

i can hear your voice asking, “is this meant to be? is this how it’s supposed to end?”

my thoughts are the sand on the shore, the stars in the sky —

i close my eyes, and i pretend that i am whole again.

the murky water and soap suds floating on the surface reflect my mind,

the swirling, roiling maelstrom of these ideas

i wonder what it’d be like if i could defend my stances,

what it’d be like if people took me seriously,

what it’d be like if i changed myself and changed the world.

i leave the silverware and cutlery to dry, but i wipe the porcelain and china and stack them in the cupboards.

in a bird’s eye view of our conversation, i reply,

"have faith.

not all scars are visible,

and life is not defined by how things are supposed to be

but rather what you choose.

so make up your own ending, and make it good.”


perfect weekend

so many photos

so excited to post them all!!

"Why did you shoot me?"

— It’s 2014, and racism is still rampant in America. (x) (x)

#4; your country experiences a permanent blackout

i am a daughter of liberty, but the day i cannot find my way home

is the day i will seek my great perhaps somewhere else —

where the stars will be my guide, a map of these spiderweb acquaintances.

when i lift up my hands and cannot see my fingerprints,

when i cannot hold my head up high in my own household

in which i have lived my entire life,

when i cannot find the keys, the glasses, the receipts, the scissors —

i will sail across the saltwater, because i would rather let the ocean swallow me whole

than renounce sight of the sun, the moon, and all the galaxies hidden between the constellations i thought were forever,

and isn’t it funny how i never gave them a second thought until they were gone?

this is a losing battle, but i would rather fight than back down;

i will not give in to the darkness, because

there is a fire within, despite all these shadows that threaten to drag us down. i promise you that

through the night we will go,

where no one else has ever dared to go,

and there, it will always be light.

pc joanne; such skillz

speaking of which shanon and i are the future cofounders of Shen Photography


(page 271 of 365)

  • today was a good day! got to church early and hung out in the heater room. it was super hot. did some apush
  • refresh! ayeeee worship was not bad :D brent talked about romans 5 and justification through faith
  • sg with jdu
  • so shanon and i decided to tackle the worship music binders… we cleaned out so many songs that we never play and finally put labels on the binders. so now i can finally find the binder i need LOL
  • went to biggby coffee and ordered strawberry liquid nitrogen ice cream so delish
  • chilled with shan; dad picked me up to go to my piano lesson
  • so i was finally transcribing my marked (leadership retreat) notes and there was this one word that looked like “om” but it didn’t make sense and idk my handwriting sucks. this is what i get for not doing it right away

#3; dreams

there are lions roaring in my rib cage,

fearless and strong and my heart thrums with electricity,

because tonight i am remaking myself.

i sit on the cool off-white linoleum, against the wooden door and i close my eyes

but i can still see my haunted reflection peering back at me,

the mirror a two way crossing between my soul and my brain;

i imagine the white plastic bottle, and i shake shake shake and i can hear the clitter clatter of pills sloshing against each other.

seconds stretch into infinity, and i wonder if i can muster up the courage from these tired old bones —

i am so selfish, i know this, the lions are clawing their way out and suddenly i cannot breathe, and i wonder what it’d be like to sink into utter darkness.

my greatest wish is to tell you how i really feel, instead of leaving it up to you to decide.

but people will be people will be people

will you still love me when i cannot love myself?


Remember, you are:

- A work in progress, looking towards the work finished, Jesus.

- Under construction, in a process, two steps forward, one step back.

- On a journey of faith, because faith is not a light-switch.

- A messy, gritty, raw, real, complicated creation called a human being, and no one should ever shame you for being human.  Jesus was one of us, too.

- Not defined by your mood, situation, or circumstance.

- Not defined by the “amount” of your faith, but rather by the perfect author of your faith who receives even your weakest stumbles towards Him.  It’s not about your grip, but rather the strength of the branch that holds you.

- So loved that God preempted your failures with the gift of His Son Jesus, who died to pay your price of Hell and who also died exactly for those times you would feel far from Him.

- Always allowed to approach the throne room of God with all your anxieties and fears and requests, no matter how petty, because God can handle your venting and clenching of teeth and He will not bite your head off.  It’s also His very grace and acceptance that begin to restore the broken pieces back together.

- A Christian, a profoundly broken person who has met Jesus the Messiah, who radically transforms you by being who he is: the Savior, Redeemer, King, Brother, Friend.

— J

faith is not a light switch.

crossing your legs

so yesterday i was talking to est and she was crossing her legs and i was like “est you shouldn’t do that!!! you can get varicose veins from that” and then today she was like “idk what to believe there are so many conflicting articles on google” and so i went on webmd anD IT TURNS OUT CROSSING YOUR LEGS = VARICOSE VEINS IS A MYTH IT’S A MYTH I REPEAT IT’S A MYTH I CAN CROSS MY LEGS AGAIN???? WITHOUT FEAR????? I’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A LIE EVER SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL

#2; biggest regret

i should have said what i meant.

but you left, and i was too afraid to come out and tell the truth, and all these excuses turn to dust in my mouth, sour and dry and inadequate, because how can i bridge all these rifts between us when i refuse to believe there is a chasm already?

i should have said what i meant, when she asked me if she looked good in yellow. when i kept my mouth shut about those poisonous rumors, when it hurt and he asked but i brushed it off, when i made her cry and never apologized. when i said goodbye, but all i really wanted to say was i’ll miss you, don’t forget me.

all these apologies, they trip over my tongue in effort to force themselves out, but my sorrys keep getting tangled up with my pride, intertwined with my facade pretending that everything is okay.

i should have said what i meant.

i sit in traffic, staring at the stoplights, and i wonder when i’ll have the courage to apologize, to forgive myself, to set things right.

i stare out the window, trying to muster up the bravery to start over again, because i’ve finally realized that i’ve been building everything on top of a wobbly keystone, threatening to fall down any moment —

my biggest regret was pretending that you were the sun, and i was the moon, because you were everything i wanted but everything i didn’t need.

i should have said what i meant.

"Sometimes I forget to listen. I forget to let a friend be. To tell their whole story and paint their full heart into the air.
I’m too eager to respond with a fix, a solution, a plan. I interrupt the art. I look for a pause to jump in and offer all sorts of articulate banter, when this isn’t what they want. They just want to speak until they’re out of breath, and then meet eyes and feel like they’re okay and understood and not alone. It’s a beautiful thing, and I want to let it happen. I want to let them finish painting in their own words. And then maybe I will understand."

J.S Park (via the-healing-nest)